This may sound harsh but this is their battle not yours.

Since the demise of Paul Gascoigne, his alcoholism and his recent collapse in a US rehab clinic was reported, I have seen much ignorant shit written on the Gazza hashtag on Twitter. Ignorant shit such as,

“Why don’t people stop him drinking?”

“Where are his *real* mates?”

And the one that combined the above two and angered me most,

“If his mates really cared about him, they would stop him drinking”

I would like to be a little kind and say that these comments are ignorant due to misinformation, but taking into account that many of them probably never gave Gascoigne, his drinking and his friends a second thought before his demise, these comments are nothing but plain hysteria, ignorant and very insulting to a friend of an alcoholic.

Believe me, I know.

You can use emotional blackmail, you can plead, you can scream, but the sad FACT is THIS IS THEIR BATTLE NOT YOURS!

I don’t say that in the harsh way that you offer no support, as a friend you do, but if we are to talk of “real” mates, then a “real” mate reluctantly accepts that fact. A “real” mate reluctantly accepts the fact that every single time you forcibly stop the alcoholic from drinking with one of the above methods, you aren’t helping them to recover. As crazy as that sounds, even with the best intentions you are doing more harm than good long-term. If an alcoholic is to recover then that one more sip or drink has to be refused by the alcoholic, not you.

You can give all the support in the world but sad fact is you cannot fight their battle for them. If you see this as your fight and fight it for them all you are doing is enabling them and you are taking on responsibilities or duties that rightfully belong to the alcoholic.

 The only purpose that blackmailing, screaming, pleading is serving is that you are just allowing them to respond to your reaction rather than face their own actions.

Unless it comes across your door (in which case you are perfectly entitled to say NO!) you are allowing them to respond to your reaction with excuses, anger, abuse, and the old fail-safe “come to my pity party” invitation. In short, the only shred of control the addict has left is to control “your” actions and you are not helping them one single bit to face up to their responsibilities.

Okay, so you stop the alcoholic from taking that one glass. You really think they aren’t going to have two when you go home? Really? 

You really think that as a “real” mate they aren’t going to lie to you and hold out the promise that they won’t drink when you leave? Well as harsh as this sounds, addicts, by their very nature are very skilful liars !

Even though there are still no guarantees, when an alcoholic’s enabling system is removed, hopefully the fear will force them to seek help.

I’m also seeing the word “sad” on the Gazza hashtag rather a lot. Well yes it is sad but I’ll tell you what’s sadder. What’s sadder is the effect this has on the “real” mates. The constant worry that drains you. Seeing your friend harming themself. Seeing your friend constantly shake. Seeing no light in your friends eyes. Seeing that rabbit in the headlight stare when they don’t remember a simple thing you have said moments ago. Seeing their body being ravaged. Their immune system so low that spots become huge infected sores and living with the knowledge that the next simple common cold could kill them. Living with the knowledge that their liver is being pickled and their pancreas and brain is slowly turning to mush.

Watching people walk away from your friend is also upsetting, but you know what? I can’t blame them one bit. I can even understand it. I understand that anger when someone’s drinking encroaches on your life and causes disruption. To have it become impossible for the alcoholic in your life to drink without having the natural negative consequences that come from drinking.
To walk away isn’t punishment to the alcoholic, it is the save yourself from all the negative consequences.

I cannot say with confidence that these people who make such remarks about “real” mates have experienced life with an alcoholic but I can only guess they haven’t even touched the boarders.

 Friends and family are also victims in an alcoholics life because no matter how hard they try they know they cannot stop a person from drinking. Maybe if they knew the pain of watching someone they cared about slowly killing themselves and not being able to do a damn thing to stop it, they wouldn’t say such things.

So the next time you should talk in terms of “real” mates stopping the alcoholic from drinking, just remember that unless YOU are the alcoholic, you can’t stop an alcoholic from drinking. Alcoholism is its own demon that can’t be fought from external forces.
They may have lost every ounce of self-respect but allow them the one last dignity of fighting their own battle.