I’ve spent my life watching people think they have the God-given right to put me down.
” Oh gosh, not an invite to a pity party ” I hear you ask.
No, nothing could be further from the truth. I am neither sending out pity party invites and your pity, keep it. I just wanted to share something with you. Something, I have no idea why it took me so long to see.
The put downs started here when I was a child https://skylarlily.wordpress.com/2010/11/08/sadly-in-2010-still-such-ignorance/
They moved on into my teens, where Teachers more or less told my Parents I would amount to nothing much due to the epilepsy and partial deafness. The deafness they knew nothing about then because I had become a master at reading lips, but when you have no idea that normality isn’t like having cotton wool stuffed in your one ear, everyone surely puts the willies up people by watching people’s faces and mouths move intently don’t they ? Don’t they ?
Oh, I see, they don’t eh ? Maybe that’s why I got some serious shit from certain people when I was working in an operating theatre. Jolly difficult trying to relate to anything wearing a mask.
I soon learnt to adapt though. I would make sure I always stood to the right of people. Please don’t ask why I never questioned if I was partially deaf, I haven’t got the foggiest. I suppose maybe I’d lived with adapting for so long, adapting became the norm, but if you don’t adapt pretty quickly, you soon end up feeling very isolated and you become the odd one out.
That being the odd one out, you would be surprised how quickly turns to spite. You get accused of being aloof, snobby and you walk under this ” who does she think she is ” banner.
Well I have news for every single bitching bully I worked with. I have no idea who I was because I didn’t know what was happening in my life for a very long time ! You bitched, bullied, talked about, shot down and assassinated the character of someone who didn’t have a clue what was going on half the time. Not unless I stood on the right side of you at least ! And that was just one on one. More than one of you doing the bitching, bullying and assassinating, then,,, well I suppose it didn’t matter really. I couldn’t hear you 🙂
Socializing with these people who had undergone an empathy by-pass and who got a D- in ” kindness and tolerant understanding ” ( isn’t it so much easier to mock than to take the time to get to understand what makes someone tick ? ), became such a pain, I gave up. You soon become so isolated in this room full of people all talking at once. Someone cracks a joke, the banter starts, everyone laughs and it doesn’t take you long to feel pretty miserable. You end up just sitting there, hoping you are smiling in the right places, with people looking at you with that ” who the hell does Lady muck think she is ” accusing glare.
The deafness was then diagnosed but by that time, it was too late for explanations. To late to say ” hey guess what, I was partially deaf not stuck up “. To late because by that time I had already made the decision that I had no desire to build any bridges with sorry excuses for human beings.
They still don’t know to this day because 1. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone. And 2. They aren’t worth wasting my breath on.
From there the put downs carried on into what was to become a nightmare part of my life ( that I have no intention of discussing ) where my self-esteem and worth was assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked to the point where it was in the gutter, and my character assassinated to such an extent that I became this person I didn’t know.
Dealing with people who put you down is a very painful and hurtful experience but I’ve come to the conclusion that it has more to do with the person making the comments than about you.
Someone tried to take the piss recently. They thought it would be quite amusing to do it in front of people to. I was just about to launch into ” Don’t you DARE put me down and try to make me feel stupid ! “, but I stopped in my tracks because it was like a light going on in my head. This wasn’t about me, this was about them.
Fact is, they know very well I’m ” not ” stupid and it’s quite sad really that this person must be so insecure, that they need to put someone else down to feel in control.
I think this is one of the most destructive types of negative people you can ever deal with. They can have an extremely negative effect on your thinking and your own behavior. They are usually hurting people themselves who have almost always come through some kind of trauma but on the other hand, it’s almost narcissistic behaviour. It’s always someone else with the flaw, not them.
Well I have news for you. It stops here. I’m not going to allow anyone to hide behind their own insecurities to justify putting me down a moment longer. Your insecurities, YOU deal with them because I don’t want them and I refuse to take them on.
I’ve had an epiphany. I may not be some high-flying career woman. I may not have some fancy paying job but by golly, am I worth something !
And the moment I realised my true worth was the moment I realised, “You can’t hurt me anymore”.
Say what you want, I can’t be hurt by something I know not to be true.
I suddenly see the positive side to my years of struggling while people put me down. At least I couldn’t hear the total and utter inane, useless drivel that came out of all your mouths. You really weren’t worth listening to 🙂
Welshtabby. 
Seems I told you awhile back that I had fallen madly and passionately in love with you. And that is was because you were so witty and entirely attractive in my eyes. (or maybe I didn’t, but I certainly felt it.) Well change all the reasons to what you have just written. Because I went through much the same thing prior to being diagnosed with CIDP. Doctors told me I was looney. Nuts! and Crazy! And that was the nice stuff. Finally had myself in a locked down ward because I knew something was wrong with me, and had been convinced I was insane.
Well, my gorgeous Welsh Tabby, I am not insane, don’t you see. I might act crazy a lot, but that is part of me being me. But what others think of me is none of my business. Oh, it would be nice to know I am loved, but it is God doing the managing, and me doing the footwork.
I understood every word you just said here, Jayney. And that is why I love you.
your forever David
It is these sort of memories this kind of hurt and anger that fills my mind and is driving me slowly mad .
Why? because there is NOTHING you can do about it except let it hurt you on and on
for the rest of your life .
I was suffering from autism when i was very young and it has taken me a whole lifetime to overcome it .Emotionally i am still 5 .
I DO understand why tyou feel the way you do but i wonder can we both ever forget and accept because there really now is nothing to be done but cry and how much of that can one person take till they break .X