I didn’t like someone once. I showed it. Not exactly in what I said but I couldn’t have shown this person that I didn’t like them any more if I tried.
This person wasn’t a nasty person. In fact he was very gentle, very thoughtful toward others. I have no idea why I behaved as I did toward him. I just did.
The last time I saw this person was eons ago on a Friday night. I didn’t utter one single nasty word on that occasion. I thought that was very gracious of me.
I spoke back to him in “yes/no” answers. So yes, I thought it was very gracious of me to speak to him.
Today is a day I shall never forget. The date will stay with me until the day I die. You see the date today is the date this person went home and hung himself.
I will never, ever know if my behaviour toward this person in the time leading up to this tragedy or on that last time I saw him and thought I was being so gracious, in what I now know was treating him like he was nothing and worthless, was the final nail in his coffin.
People over the years have tried to convince me that it was nothing to do with my behaviour and how I treated him. They know as much as I do. They know fuck all.
No-one will ever know why, but more importantly I will never know. It’s the not knowing that’s the hardest part to live with.
It taught me something though. It taught me that we never, ever know what battle someone may be fighting. We never ever know if just one single word, or even *not* a single word, can maybe push them to end their battle.
It taught me that kindness costs nothing but unkindness can lose someone everything.
It taught me that being kind to people that are even unkind to us is best because they are the people who need it most. I wish I could go back and learn that lesson all those years ago because I certainly needed teaching.
To put it simply, my conscience is not clean. I have to live with that. I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to live with the not knowing if they are somehow responsible for someone ending their battle. You think about that the next time you are about to treat someone like they are nothing.
Welshtabby. 